i was looking at the street. everyone was busy walking and driving by. if i disappear today, no one will notice. i feel like disappearing into thin air. 

more deja vu feelings today…feel like everything is meant to be. i don’t have any controls over. strange feeling….nothing matters……

what is like being old…living in a small apartment or…don’t know what to eat tomorrow

would i have a baby? who will be a father? do i live long enough…

do ever get to see D again? or everything disappear and i move onto next life……

should i fork myself…like her? i promised…after my mom……sometimes….just want to go to sleep and don’t want to wake up…….

should i collect pills if it adds up to 100, time to go? 

should i get rid of my stuff? making my place empty…being considerate for those who left behind? so there is nothing to take care of….empty room with only one box. maybe two… one for my family and one for D. things about me…maybe not. nothing…so they don’t need to cling on….. my dark side creeping up agin…….never end…………

because i died in 1981….i am not who you all think i am……. i am dead…living in this world of yours……..

I am fortunate because I am a bit chicken inside so I won’t do stupid stuff. Having three different romantic relationships made me stronger in facing reality in life. A friend of mine suggested that I should look for a divorcee. I laughed because one of reasons that I didn’t like about D was the fact that he never dated seriously with anyone else. I saw it as the most critical weakness. I wished that he had many ups and downs in his life. He just got out of one. That is so immature of him. On the other hand, I am so immature on taking a risk in my professional life. Just like the fact that he has a better restart in his romantic life, I also got a better restart in my professional environment. We are passing by and running in a circle but with different dynamic of orbits. 

I had my father passed away 2 years ago. For him, it is already 10 years ago. I have to ask K about the exact date. I feel very fortunate to know her. Her place is a sanctuary for me. The whole world is on a spinning wheel and everything gets spattered around the wall. But her place is in the core. A place where D arrived in 1976. A place he started his life all over again. Where he rushed out and pee. Where he probably woke up in the middle of night with fear. I remembered that his parents had to sleep with him in the same room for a while. I know that he has something going on his mind. I wished they recorded his voice. 

I have a little grey elephant in my car door. It was a symbolic image for myself. His mom told me a word in Korean. She doesn’t know the meaning but she knows and remembers. Because she said that he said many times as soon as he arrived. It was elephant in Korean. I laughed at his cute mind but deep inside, I could connect with him. His elephant is a symbol for escaping his fear and also a hope. It is his uncertain future. He knows it is big but friendly. 

I would love to go to Thailand and ride the elephant with him. It would be awesome to see him cracking up. Maybe I would suggest to him to go with his girlfriend. Tell her the story so she can be a part of his life. I can feed him what I connect with him. He can feed them to his girlfriend so they can be a perfect couple. Because I won’t be able to be his lover again. I wished to be deep inside but I wanted to teach him a lesson that once you betrayed yourself, no turning back. It wasn’t about me. It was his pitiful soul. He couldn’t grow up or couldn’t nurture the most important part of being a man. You take a shit like a man. You cheat and the act itself is low ground moral. So you must confess. You don’t go around and hide. It is incredibly stupid of me to deny so long. He could keep it a lie. Super thanks to A’s personality. It is blessing to me and it is a curse to him for the rest of his life. 

At least, this taught him a lesson. My heart was broken but healed. It got stitched up quickly. I must have too many white blood cells. I heal fast. Life is indeed a full of surprises. 

Love this cafe. No one soul looks interesting … what a pity. Running in the dark for releasing my energy. 

Gotta send out the Jul Kort to my swedish mom tomorrow.

We met at a coffee shop. The best coffee in DC. I used to take D to this place in Arlington but this location is closed and they opened new one in Chinatown area. We were at the coffee shop and drank two sets of espresso. Then we went to a martini bar. It was very chic and he knew all the bartender women. He was a regular. Then we went to have some good food at a place where they serve Nordic and Eastern European food. We ate well and then he invited me to his place. 

He made green tea and we enjoyed chatting about work related gossip and also fun stories around our lives. He was curious to know about D so I told him a couple of stories. 

Now I understand better about D’s affair and now his love. It was nice to be able to enjoy a company. His place was nice and filled with nice touches. He has exclusive sense and all his furniture was high end. I liked simplicity of his place and also his sense of design. Too bad that he is not too attractive. He is short like D and his face is cute but not so attractive. I could see his little belly and a bit of man boob showing through his sweater. I am not sure if I would like to open up to him. He is a nice guy. But…he is similar to D. So it was not entirely impossible if I don’t have anyone to meet with. 

I decided to leave so he walked me to my car. Before I got into my car, he kissed me on my lips three times. I was a bit taken back and resisted to go forward. He got my message. Thought that it could be so easy to have a man. 

He was actually very surprise to find out that I never dated another guy in 7 years of my long distance relationship. He was curious how I can keep my temptation away. I don’t know how I did but I was deeply engaged in a life where I would be with D. It wasn’t an easy one but I felt that we could make it work. 

I envisioned that we could share business passion. I felt that it could be incredibly sexy to have him as my business partner. Like having a child, I really wanted to devote our lives to build up a company which we can call as our baby. Wished that with this home grown business, we can also easily control our time for our off springs. We could complement each other well. I am naturally good at connecting people, I have design background so all the company branding and communication strategy will be taken care of easily. His strength is in finance and day-to-day operation. With my connections, we could tap into variety of expertise around the world. With my current job, I needed to find out how things are funded. Also I need to network with people who can be potential investors. 

I am still going to chase this dream. If I meet my mate, since I already wasted 40 years of my life. I wish to spend every minute with him to build our little empire. I am sure…a right person will come along. 

Savage love is enough and I am getting too old for wasting my time on this type of love. I will never forget so I know how to deal with ending of love. He did sabotage our relationship with his coward act. His relationship with A must had been s a worthy of life time. I can’t judge their relationship. I want him to be good and successful and prove to me that I am a wrong choice for him. Also it will be a comfort for me to admit that he is indeed a wrong soul mate to me. 

Three peck of kisses was enough reminder to me that he probably needed a real woman. That’s why I can’t judge their relationship because I am a ghost to him. He can’t grab or hold me. I only taught him what is like having a real relationship. It was certainly excruciating pain to be away from him.  Maybe we never made it…. just a little comfort to my broken heart.

I imagined to have a big feast to celebrate our Christmas together this year. I miss sitting in the dining room at his mom’s. We will use the most fine china and smell of wood from the floor. I wanted to have many feast in the dining room. His favorite room in the house. I wanted to fill his favorite space with more pleasant memories. 

I imagined to have little ones playing and holding on our legs to be picked up. We tell stories of how we met in dramatic way. I will let him sitting in a sofa holding our baby. We will open our presents and do board game on the floor. We will go around the front yard and make a snow man. I was having so many fantasies. I was indeed obsseced with my own creation. Terribly missing his food. Omlet, soup, steak and safron honey ice cream.

I will continuously suffer from without knowing the full spectrum of my extensive use of the frontal cortex. If I don’t channel them well for creating art, it will be used for lying. Picasso said that “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” I definitely possess the child inside of me. 

I was able to connect with D’s inner child and that’s why we felt a strong bond. His artistic mind was synched with me. But we had to live with the grown up part on a daily basis. I didn’t know if I can retain my grown up part and at the same time with the child part. My dilemma was more of losing one over the other. Ironically my current physical location allows to retain these two. By moving to Vienna or Stockholm, I had to choose to live with one. At least for the first 1 year. I am not sure D and I could have get along with the circumstances which force us to pick one. 

Now it is more clear that we both were selfish and coward. We both didn’t know the depth of our commitment. 

Frankly I gave up and got ready for living with one for a while. Because I thought that finding D was a worth the risk. But is he the only one of kind? Loss is truly gain. By losing him, I am destine to gain something. 

Is it renewed confidence? or I am living as a confabulator who can’t quite comprehend the lying and creativity. I miss D… because he will understand my little pep talk. He is my accomplice on completing my confabulations. 

Love ya!

“LOSS” is also “GAIN”. That’s a very positive outlook I have been thinking over and over again. But just having a flicker of fear totally ruined my strong stand. I believe that it is part of being stressed of so many work that I need to finish. My hands are shaking and clearly seeing some changes in me.

I just wished that the fibroids  turn out to be deadly tumors and I only have one year to live.  I have one year to clean up my apartment, sort out my will, go to a place where I can find peace. That would be visiting Lapland. Go all the way up north and smell the tree sap and moss in the morning. Would I wait like my Dad to be deteriorating? Or do I want to take a bundle of pill to fall asleep. The later is the most coward way. In the Christian religion, if you commit suicide, you go to hell. When I was young, it was the fact that I didn’t want to commit to any harms to my body. My little mind thought that the world I am looking at is so horrible, why going to hell after you die. I felt the most excruciating pain and sorrow that the world is indeed in hell.

I really didn’t get along with my mom. She was everything I despised. I loved my dad and always looked forward to having him around. But it wasn’t possible. He was always away. Part of me endured the long distance was because of my past practice with my dad. He visited us twice a year. We did lavish shopping and trips to near by luxury resorts. It was the most exciting time in my childhood. We walked in a children’s clothing store, he asked me to pick whatever I want. Of course my mom went after me and took out all the clothes that was too expensive. In the end, I knew how to please both parents. But because of my mom’s stinginess we are comfortable now. I met a young man whose both parents were like my dad. In the end, kids had nothing for college. Parents were addicted to spend money. They still were looking around for small jobs here and there and dreaming of hitting jackpot. But kids were suffering so much from the side effect. All of them are careless with money and also they all are not brave enough to take the tough road. All of them are looking for low hanging fruits in their life. 

Would I have been happy living with D? Was he chasing and picking for low hanging fruits? Are we having completely two different views in life? Was his girlfriend is more of his type and level? Was I out of his league? 

I wanted to think that he is not good enough. L’s husband T heard this from L’s aunt. The first thing this old lady said to him was that he is not good enough for L. He was so mad at her but didn’t do any. I can see that “good enough” is from one side. Like to your own kids, you always have denial and don’t want to see the truth. Was I in denial? He was everything that I can ask for except one thing. No two things. One is what he said in his email, he has this short term memory loss or he just can’t focus. He forgets things. His mom mentioned to me about this. But he also feels bad about forgetting and paying too much attention to one thing. But when it comes to being hungry. He is well focused. Also his lack of risk taking. He thinks that he has been taking the risk. But he never took a risk for someone else. All he did was for himself. I could see that he won’t do anything. He almost like doesn’t want to trust anyone. It is wonder how he is able to trust this woman who is just ruling him under her thumb. Maybe he is slowing learning about the whole interaction and social engagement with strangers without being attached too much. 

I wonder if she leaves him for a better man then how much he would get crushed. I wonder how he would behave when she flirts with a gorgeous blonde or tall guy. I am sure he would get so crushed and sulky for he whole time while he was looking at the scene but he won’t do anything. Then it will blow off and he will beg for her love. He will be a little puppy to beg for being caressed. I am so mad that he took the easy way out just to be simple and settle. 

Trying to redirect my negative energy, I didn’t go to sleep until 3:30 am and woke up 6:30 am. Went to gym and ran until my heart were hurting. Now my arms are sore from being tensed.  Things are normal at work. I better get to work.

I always had been fascinated by what I wear. At an early age, I was very particular about what I wear. I always wanted to be blend in so I focused on finding clothes plain and normal yet has a bit of twist of my own touch. I did it by controlling the length, unusual folds or subtle accessaries. I felt like our body is like a canvas. What we put on, is constant display art piece to public. We judge people by our look. I can’t see myself all the time so by looking at other’s communicative expressions, you assume how you are received by others.  Regardless of weight and height, you can always express well. Sometimes you dress in a certain way to emphasize a part of you. You want people to accept a slice of your personality. That’s why you dress differently in different environment. 

D got into fashion when we started dating and now his girlfriend is influencing. I had a certain image which he needed to portrait to get his self esteem up. But dressing in G star clothing all the time, I am a bit disappointed. It should be only for weekends and late evening look. But I have very little understanding of his day job so maybe it fits. I always imagined him to dress in clean cut yet with a subtle twist. That’s why I felt that Paul Smith look is a good start. But the line is so expensive. Some degree of mix of Zara and other fancy brands like Armani and Hugo Boss would do. He has good upper body mass but his lower body, especially butt area is weak. So he needs to wear pants that fits tight on the butt but straight to the bottom so it will elongate his legs. His pants should always be slightly below the ankle bone and make sure to wear the same color as pants socks and shoes. For his top, he need to wear something fitted in his waist so it would emphasize his broad shoulder. As much he can, he has to show his tight chest. Of course if he wants to attract a woman. For business attire, he can have a fun twist. He should wear dark navy shirt inside but wear dark kakki jacket with white pants for fall or spring look. Of course he has to wear a pair of caramel color shoes. He can shave less so his rough face contrasts clean preppy look. He has to make sure to have good haircut because his head shape is not the greatest. He got the typical old generation flat back. His underbite chin doesn’t help. So he needs to avoid having football hair cut. Just emphasize his elongated beautiful face line by cutting side very short but have long top. He has been refused to put any gels. I am wondering if his girlfriend is influencing him to put some pomade or other smell good and non-greasy hair product to give his hair more volume yet heights. 

I also hoped that he would utilize hats or tie. He refused to wear a tie because he had been exposed to bad ties. Adding a funky thin ties would immediately pull his casual clothes up to a notch. This weekend I went to the Club Monaco store. After women’s clothing rack, I went upstairs to check men’s. But I was laughing because I didn’t need to think of D. But I tried to put on a few shirts on myself and pretended to pick them up for him. Bold checker pattern silky shirts would go so well with ivory cashmere zipper cardigan sweater. He could wear it with grey pants. He could have looked classy and sexy. 

I bought a bottle of Nivea Men’s body shower gel. If I smell men’s body product on a daily basis, I probably get immune to other men’s scent. It is my own creation of preventing me from falling for a wrong guy due to scent.

I didn’t dress D. I just wanted him to find his hidden confidence. When I saw his first look, surprisingly he was wearing everything big. It was almost like saying that I wanna to be big.  I wanted him to find his own look. But when he bought the $400 jeans, that was the bold move and I was sorry for the bank account but the pants looked really hot on him. So in the end, I created a monster who can’t stop buying and indulging for his self expression. G-star is over priced casual clothes. Hope he will move onto a more age appropriate clothing lines for his day jobs. But then again, working at his job, G star might be fancy. A while ago, I saw his colleagues, they were all dressed very casual. All Swedes dressed nice except the beer lover. He can look like a cheap gangster just like I can look like a cheap hooker. So a right balance and careful combination is required. It will be interesting to run into each other in the future. We might look completely different so it will only show the fact that we meant to be separated. Or we look so similar that we were walking in parallel worlds. 

Dress for success is something I learned. Starting two years ago, I decided to focus on dressing for success. Regardless of my job description, I always make sure to dress to funky yet classy enough to attend a high level board meeting. It paid off. People remember me and also I get to work on many high level projects. People wanted to take me to a meeting and also gave me wonderful comments. 

As an amateur sartorisalist, I am constantly struggling to find my own style as well as meaning of life.

When I saw D, he was just a normal guy. Nothing special. But the way he looked at me at the station, the way he stared at me in his uncle’s van, I felt that he was observing me.  I got close to him because I was showing him GK’s photos. He leaned over and I smelled his scent. It was a mix of sweat and clean soap. I also smelled his breathe. Nothing bad or good, but it was familiar smell. He was always looking at me like deer in headlights. His eyes were fixed at me. I didn’t think much except that he was very kind and gentle. The whole time I was with him in Seoul, he was a bit awkward. He didn’t know how to ask me to stay with him. He couldn’t handle the whole other elements around him. He followed me like sun. Although instead of radiating, his face was breaking in thin blood vessels and his lips were chapped. His hands were dry and cracked. But more I get close to him, his scent was very comforting to me. 

When I met him later in Jonkoping, his scent reminded me of my own. On my return trip, I asked him if I can take his t-shirts that he was wearing. I brought the orange shirts and used it as my pillow case. I curled up like a fetus and held my teddy bear. His shirts was comforting me. 

I didn’t know if it was love or just being connected due to our similarities. We both were looking for comfort in curing our souls. Would I be happy to live with him on a day to day basis? 

I probably was afraid of breaking my own belief in him. I was scared to accept him being nothing but a Y chromosome owner. I desperately wanted him to be special. More I think about him, I feel the distance. Can love be a smell? Can love require all 5 senses? I could see and hear him but the rest was impossible for very long time.  His girlfriend gets all 5 senses at the moment and that’s why it is special and love to him. 

For me, it is just a simple affection. Did I idolize him and loved an image of him that I created myself? When I told his story to another man, the guy said that D needs to grow up. But then again, I know that I need to grow up too. 

Then we were just two puppies who like to sniff at each other’s butts?  Maybe we were…..

I find myself that I lost myself for a while in the shadow of D. The idea of living with D in a very normal life had been suffocating me. Today I also read a FB post by a guy who wrote the most romantic outcry to his wife. When I read the full context, it reminded me of D. He used to pour all his heart and project his longing for love to me in the same way. 

This guy was visiting Oslo and he saw a nice restaurant. He described how bad he wants to have a romantic fireplace dinner with his wife watching the ocean. They don’t have much money now but he has big dreams. When they feel down, they ask God to lead their way. 

I am wondering if D and I would make each other happy or not. Did D feel pressured to be successful? But he could have been content if he met a wealthy woman? Like his biological father, physical comfort to indulge other people’s wealth is like winning a lottery ticket. Why not?

I grew up with so many people who wish to seize their fortune by other people. Except my parents. My dad made enough wealth to make all of us comfortable and live in privileged life.  I had my own room with pretty pink curtains, learned to play piano and flute, went to a private college and came to the US to study. I am a production of my dad’s two bear hands. He once told me that there are alot more things in life to make you happy. But he said that whatever he offered to me is the best he can and the most honest money I can ever see. He warned me that the world won’t be an easy place for a woman like me. He asked me to find a partner who can be a shield to me. But he said that he doesn’t know what kind of man, but he wished that I will always have enough money for what I want to do.

But my mom was different. She wanted more and also always emphasized to marry to a man with loads of money. She said that the world only respects cash. I grew up with having two extreme views of life. 

In my personal view, lots of money is good but not enough. Ever since I was child, I decided to train myself to be able to make money by offering my own skills. That will cover the most fundamental need for my life. That was all about me. But since I met D, I decided to make a shot at being more capable so I can cover two people’s living cost. I was ready to accept a complete companionship life. I want something more than money can buy. 

Does his soul really connect to me? Or our bullshitting was only fulfilled my desire to find one?  Was he fucking with my mind?

Tomorrow is a special day but I honestly don’t feel like. My special day was when I met him for the first time and the night I spent in Jonkoping. A dark long night when I finally get to met him and felt him. It was incredibly natural to be completely getting close to him. 

I am thankful the wonderful experience I had with him. Now he is just a distant usual pen-pal who writes to me time to time. 

I spared a big chunk of my spiritual space and mind to be connected with him in the past 7 years, now I continue the habit by emailing to him or writing down here. Who knows, it will be a good case study for a silly neurotic woman who pathetically believes in soul mate stuff. If he is not, future will only tell me.  

Very tired. Wish I could curl up and smell the closeness of my the other half.

I picked up 5 underwear because all of my old ones were getting worn. There are too many things in my living room now. Like a scene in one of movies, I like to get a huge trash can and would like to sweep them in a bag. All these materials things don’t matter when you die. I started a pile of boxes in one side of bedroom. I want to see what are my absolute must belongings. I list them. 1. my father’s letters 2. family photos 3. few things from previous relationships 4. legal document 5. my writings 6. my paintings 7 my mom’s and other precious jewelry …. the rest are replaceable. 

So my long time goal to trim down my “essentials” in life, I need to work on more. This Christmas, I will try to give away some of my stuff to others. Also sell most of my furniture. Only leave things that I will take them with me if I have a new place. I only replace with well-designed objects. I would like to trim down my life…it has been my goal. 

Now my life is filled with overlapping elements. Keeping up with day-to-day chores, I am living a parallel life with my insights. Living with D is eliminated  but I am still keeping the space. It is empty now but it will be filled or not. A friend of mine closed this space entirely with her passion for piano. She confessed the other day that she is too numb and too irritable to accept another human being in her life. Just like getting used to another person, you also getting used to being alone as well. 

Am I heading to being alone? My one of biggest fear as soon as I got close to D was about depending on him. My soul got sucked up by his soul. Was it part of empathy? Was it retribute of my own fulfiling? Death is a fundamental promise that nature gives us. We just don’t have any clue how we will end up getting close to it. A friend of mine’s fiancee had a surgery. He was always having a bit if hypercondric condition. But finding a tumor in his kidney set the full fear of death. With this life and death experience, the couple got more strong and bonded. But with my surprise, my friend was honest with me. She stays with him because of accumulated love they developed. She was certain that if they happen to live apart, she is sure that they both would look for someone close. 

Was I freak to have a lover who lived miles away from me? Was I incapable of loving someone for everyday? 

I love being touched and hugged. But at the same time, whenever I feel someone’s body temperature, the next thing popped in my head is a long dark tunnel. The person will be sucked in to the tunnel and his temperature is dropping until it gets cold. Then I no longer feel the same warmth. I always had this overlapping sensation when I held D. He didn’t like my negative side. As soon as he arrives in the airport, I start counting down. Almost like I am waiting for the final destination. I always pampered myself that it is better to see him living well in another place than loosing him forever to death. Come to think of it, this might be the exact feeling he had for his biological mother. That’s why he cried when he heard the story that she got into an accident. Maybe there was a time, he was so angry at his life. He wished so hard that his mom was dead. He felt sorry for his death wish on her. He loved her and longed for her. At least one year before he got adopted. His overlapping time in 1975. If it is correct, he was overturn to the agency on Feb 14th, a Valentine’s day. I know that he arrived in Sweden in 1976. So almost a year of his life is completely in mystery. 

I am sure that he fought for getting back to his biological mother. His love to her was very strong during this time. He did not understand the full story why he had to be ended up with others. But there is one thing, he always wanted to go abroad riding a plane and seeing an elephant. 

Is my love to him is just a simple empathy?  It was heart breaking to listen to his story and seeing him to absorb the shock with his calm demeanor. I admired his calmness. I felt that he will stand by me when I fear the most. He will wrap his hand around my shoulder and whistle to me that everything is gonna be all right. Because he knows…that everything did turn out all right to him as well. We just need to wait until two overlapping elements are slowing parting.

My life with D will be parting away…only to the point it will touch the edges. I want to move to a new place where he doesn’t remember the scene. I want him to move in with his girlfriend so I won’t dwell on whether I call him or not. Sometimes pushing away is one way to push things close. When I find myself without him, I know I am ready. Ready to confront the fear of death.

Got a feeling that I won’t be living long enough to see full gray hair on him.  Maybe things happened for a reason that I won’t stay long enough to see much of him. I can only wish that he finds his peace and whistle for me when he sees my soul drifts away with those traveling birds. 

Would I be able to sense my end? Just like dream is a collage of our past, present and future, would I be able to feel my future? Like the movie in The Time Travel’s Wife, would my future me will visit me quietly in my dream and throw some future images? Who knows…we all are born with knowing our future. We just are being in denial. Our purpose of life is sometimes close and sometimes distant depending on the present time’s rocky road or troubling waves by others. 

Another day of amber color light morning. Lovin the quiet morning.